I was not setting out to write this blog post. In fact, my first post back in a while was all set to be a Palm Springs Travel Guide (don’t worry, that will come tomorrow). But this week has been hard. My daddy would have been 79 last week and two years ago yesterday I stood next to his hospital bed smoothing his hair and holding his hand as he took his last breath.
I’m not usually an emotional person – I’m a 7 for you Enneagram lovers – I crave adventure and avoid feelings at all costs. When my dad died I didn’t shed a tear – not in the hospital, not at his funeral, not even in the privacy of my own home or in my boss-mandated therapy sessions. Well, here I sit in Limitless Coffee in Chicago openly crying in public while my sweet friend Cody claims it’s totally fine; that she’s been here too.
In trying to organize my feelings, here are a few things about coping with the death of a parent that are coming to mind …
What they say is right – it never gets easier.
I can honestly say in the two years since his passing, it hasn’t gotten any easier. I still think of things I want to talk to him about and I still miss my midnight Yahtzee and margarita buddy when I visit home. I wish he could see where Bumble and Bustle has gone – when he passed away, I had just recently opened the Etsy shop – a blog wasn’t even on my radar. I know he would have been one of my biggest cheerleaders.
Jealousy is a bitch …
Seeing other women my age with their dads is heart wrenching. That’s not to say I’m bitter or resent their relationships, it just is a stark reminder of what I can never get back – and a reminder to be thankful for all I did have. I wish he were here to introduce to my friends, take to Wrigley for beer and hot dogs, or hit the neighborhood wine bar with. He loved Chicago (lived here for a decade too) and I know he would have loved seeing it through my eyes as much as I would have loved showing it to him that way.
… But mom / daughter adventures rock!
The one silver lining is that my dad’s death brought freedom for my mom to travel and do the things she loves too. Obviously, I would give anything to have him back, but I also have new adventures with my mom that I cherish so much. Whether we’re trying off-the-beaten-path restaurants in New Orleans, road-tripping to Wyoming, or vacation-planning for Morocco, I can always count on her to try something new with me.
I vow to remember him at his best – and us at our best.
No one is perfect. My dad and I seriously struggled in high school. When I think back, I hate that we even had 2 years of animosity. Instead of getting caught up in negative emotions or remorse, I have to remind myself to focus on things like him keeping track of my figure scores at synchro meets and our trip to Italy before his health took a turn.
And where to go from here – I want to live my best life in his honor.
My dad was not a religious man. If his beliefs are true – he’s not looking down on us or guiding from “above.” To be honest, that’s hard to grapple with some days. I want to believe he’s out there somewhere, but I know that’s not what he would want. Regardless, I hope to live life in a way that would make him proud. I want to volunteer more and think more about how I can serve others.
And if he’s left me with nothing else, that’s enough.
You are right Claire. Your dad was a very special man and is missed by many people. I know that he is very proud of you and all of the great things you are doing. You are so very lucky to have had such wonderful guidance in your life and so many memories of time that you shared together.
Thank you! It was a hard one to write, but it feels good to talk about him!
Oh Sweetie, it was so beautifully written. I know that was tough for you. Tough for me too. I scrolled through the photos in the powerpoint yesterday, and it brought back all the varied aspects of his life and he truly was larger than life! And his world began and ended with his love for his family.
So lucky to have had him … and you!! 💗
You dad was brave, thoughtful and kind and he never missed a chance to show the people he loved just how much they meant to him. I miss my dad everyday – and it’s been 20+ years since he died. It does get easier – but it is never easy.
I love that – “easier but never easy.”
Wow, such a beautiful piece. I loved seeing the photos. We miss him so much. He was infinitely interesting, brilliant and kind… We are all richer for being so very blessed to have had him in our life. Sending you hugs!
Thanks, Kim!